How to NOT get it Write

As I was reading through my Writer's Digest and The Writer magazines the other night I noticed a common occurrence issue after issue. I'm talking about the unending amount of "How To Write" book ads and reviews.

Personally I have purchased my share of How To books and have read through them all and when I'm done I find them to have the same four basic ingredients peppered through out. BUT, I'm not going to discuss them here. I actually want to talk about how NOT to write a book. With everyone else telling you how to do it, why not dish out some really horrible advice?

Here is my list of how not to write a book and mess things up.

1. DON'T READ - Plain and simple. You want to write books, don't read any other books like yours. Why would you want to read any books when you are too busy trying to write the best book ever written? I mean, seriously, why would you even think of wasting your time reading those great books that came before yours and that might actually help you with your craft? Instead, watch a bunch of television, play hours and hours of video games, and read tweets all day. But whatever you do, don't read books to learn your craft.

2. DON'T WRITE - This is the most overrated part of the process. All this writing and rewriting is just getting in the way of being published. Instead, set up your website and every other peripheral that will get you a book deal. Because we know that having a shiny website is what really matters. The story in your book and the characters in your book don't really want your attention anyway. The book practically writes itself these days with all the technology available. Let's be honest, books are getting written in tweet format on train rides anyway. Writing, ppphhhttt, whatever.

I'll just makeup this story as I go.

3. DON'T KNOW YOUR MARKET - Whatever you do, don't study the market. Please, please, please write a vampire book and a zombie book and ghost book where everyone is in love and they are angsty and make sure this is told in picture book format. Publishers love it when you turn in something so off the charts it makes them realize that you are in fact the diamond in the lump of coal. Why didn't they ever think of that!? So, do your best to write what is on the shelves right now because we know the market doesn't have enough of them and we could use about twenty more of them and we all know your book is not like the rest of them even though your main characters are named Macob and Fedward.

4. FORGET ABOUT CRAFT - The craft of writing for children is overrated. Forget about it. Study your Xbox manual or read the back of the cereal box. Getting a good education on writing is a waste of time. The only Kraft you should know is the one that turns macaroni into cheesy goodness.

Study? Books? Wha?

Those are the four most basic tips on how to not write a book and be good and all that stuff. Do your best to stay unmotivated. Always talk about writing but never do it. And most of all be sure to WRITE DOWN to children because they never get what you are talking about anyway.

No need to thank me. You are doing a great job thanking me by doing all of the above.

You're welcome.